July 6th 2018

So it's been almost a year (again) since I last wrote anything. I wish I could say that I was away the last year having great developments in my life, that I had come to some wonderful life altering conclusions, that completely changed my frame of mind on life but unfortunately that's not the case.

While it is true I have done a lot of personal growing this past year I am still no where near where I want to be as a person. Most days it feels like I am treading up stream, going nowhere. It's hard to stay happy, let alone alive when it feels like you have no purpose or future. I use to think that was the depression talking but now I think it's just me. I don't think there is a difference anymore between Depression and Kierra, we're both cut from the same cloth. It's frustrating hearing how mental illness is highly treatable when nothing seems to work anymore. I can't think of a single thing I haven't tried to get better. I do still believe mental illness is 100% treatable. I've seen it treated in others but for some reason I can't get mine under control. I use to think I would die of old age but I truly think these feelings will be what kills me. Now, don't get worried, I'm not done trying just yet. I'm just a little more tired than I was yesterday in fighting this thing.

Last week, was a really bad week for me and I have no idea what caused it. It makes me scared to go to bed at night now because I never know what tomorrow is going to bring. I was completely "fine" the one day and the next morning I could not get out of bed and was not able to get out of bed for a week. I haven't been that bad in years, not to that extent. And in the past there was always a reason, I wasn't looking after myself, I was stressed, personal/relationship problems or whatever. But last week, nothing, nothing caused it. I just couldn't do life. It scared me. It still scares me, especially since I am moving back North soon where I will be alone. I don't like to be alone when I get like that. You already feel alone during these times, you don't need to physically be alone too. I really don't know how I am going to get through it if it happens when i'm away. But i'm trying not to think about that right now (although i'm not doing a good job of it). Right now, I need to stay in the present and not worry about the future or the past. It's easier said than done though.

Anyways, getting back to the original purpose of this blog...I'm thankful for my dog Quincy. Anyone who's met Q knows how hyper and rambunctious he can be but he can also be the sweetest cuddliest guy. There's many times where I have just needed to lie on the floor with him and pet him to calm my anxiety or too just feel "present" because of depression and he just lets me. He's the greatest dog ever (I know every dog owner says that) but he's really helped me on this long road of recovery. It's great to be "needed" by someone and it gives you a purpose for being here so tonight I'm thankful for my Quincy.

3 am Thoughts

I wrote this a few weeks ago at 3 am one morning when I couldn't sleep. I was never intending to publish it at first (especially here where this is suppose to be a positive environment) but I thought that if I was feeling this way then maybe others were too. My hope in sharing this is that if someone is feeling this way hopefully reading this will show them that they aren't alone. I promise I will get back to writing soon, I really do miss it and I think its good for me. <3

Here is me being vulnerable. I don’t do this often (scratch that ever). I’m really struggling. I’m really struggling with a lot of things. The world seems like a scary dark place these days. Anytime, you turn on the t.v. you’re bombarded with stories of death, corruption, and sadness. It feels like there isn’t any good left in the world. I know that can’t be true and that it is probably “depression” and “anxiety” masking reality but it feels that way. There has to be good in the world still, it can’t be as hopeless as it seems. I want to believe there is good, I really do, but it’s getting harder.

Everything is getting harder in fact. I’ve been trying to ignore it for so long. Wearing the mask of “invincibility” going about my day trying to be the best person I can be but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep hiding behind my mask. My mask has completely fallen off and my true colours are showing and I hate it. I hate that I’m being vulnerable and opening myself up to judgment. I don’t do well with people not approving of me. I’m a people pleaser by nature. Just writing this is kind of scaring the shit out of me for fear of what people will think.

The truth is I’m struggling. I’m struggling to function and to keep living. Small tasks are impossible to do now. I haven’t showered in almost 2 weeks and I haven’t eaten in 1. I know those are taboo to admit but I wouldn’t be my authentic self if I didn’t say them if not out loud but on paper (or in this case screen). I have a problem and I can’t solve it. I’ve tried and I can’t keep trying any longer. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do to become unstuck. I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m at a loss. Is it because I’m not trying hard enough that I feel this way? Is this punishment for something I did? Do I deserve to feel this way? Is it all in my head? Should I just give up? Would people be better off without me? Would they be happier? Am I just burdening people and in reality everyone hates me but they are too nice to tell me? These are all thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis and I wonder how much longer I can continue on this cycle before I truly go insane. I need a reason to keep going but I’m running out of them.

My body is tired both physically and mentally. It feels like I am running on a never ending treadmill and the lactic acid in my body is consuming me. It physically hurts. My heart hurts too it feels heavy and sad. Sad for the world and sad for what could have been. At the same time though, I feel empty, stagnant in life. I’m not where I want to be and I know it. I probably will never get to where I want to be thanks to that never ending treadmill and my lack of willpower but I am going to keep trying for as long as I possibly can.

One thing is for sure though, I can’t continue this cycle of self-hate, self-abuse and ultimately self-sabotage. It feels so comfortable to be in that cycle but I can’t continue. To be able to physically hurt myself frequently so that I can feel like I have paid my dues for my mistakes. To look for love in all of the wrong places so I can feel valued. To not take care of my body by withholding nutrients for it just because of a "feeling"I am having in that moment. It’s not healthy and I know it but i’m lost and don’t know how to get off this never ending treadmill.  

To end on a positive note I want to share what I am grateful for today which is what this blog was initially intended for.

Today I am thankful for a friend who knew today was a rough day without me even having to say anything to her. Knowing today was a bit harder she offered to postpone our plans so that I would be able to enjoy it more later in the week when I was feeling better. I am so thankful for her understanding, her flexibility and her compassion. <3

2+ years later....

Wow....so I haven't written in 2+ years....yikes sorry guys! And when I say "guys" I mean the odd one or two of you that might stumble upon this again in the future. I'm still undecided whether I am going to post this on Facebook or not yet. I'm fairly certain that nobody checks this blog anymore..I mean if the "author" of the blog doesn't even check it why would anyone else?!

Anyways, I'm not sure if this is me coming back to the blog or not. I would like to think I will write in it more but who knows. I thought I would write in it more in the first place to be honest but writing kind of lost it's appeal to me the last little while. I hate that I don't enjoy writing as much as I use to. It doesn't feel like me. It use to be "me" and how I expressed myself. Those of you who know me personally know I completely suck (putting it mildly) at talking about my feelings. Writing was my way of getting them out and it was something I enjoyed. I didn't completely bomb at it either which helped me to enjoy it.

Perhaps, I need to just "force myself" and "try harder" to do things more; to be "better". Maybe then I will enjoy it again, everything will be rainbows and unicorns again. No more of these "feelings". If I could just be "better" everything would be "perfect". But then again isn't that the Depression talking...."you aren't trying hard enough," "you don't want to get better because if you did you would be by now" "you aren't good enough". I guess i'm still trying to sort out the lies and fuzzies from the truths in my messed up brain...

I guess I owe you guys an explanation/update on why I haven't written in so long. To be honest I don't have a good answer for you. The last two years have been a roller coaster of both really high highs and really low lows.  I've learned a lot about who I am the last few years and even more about who my true friends are. Some of you who know me personally know about what i'm talking about and even fewer of you know the actual truth. One thing is for sure though i've grown as a person/daughter/friend even if certain people in my life can't see it. I know I have changed and I know i'm making progress. I guess that is what matters most. I have learned that I need to stop having expectations in where I want to be in life (deadline wise) and just to try and enjoy the moment. I'm still struggling with this but I guess with time it will become easier.... I know I have made progress and knowing that and continuing to work towards (more) progress will help me to achieve my goals of where I want to be in life. It's not going to be overnight but eventually I will get there. Hell the progress I have made so far hasn't been overnight so why should this be any different...

Thank You's

Hey Everyone!



I am not really sure if there is an "everyone" out there anymore. I am guessing that most of the readers I did have are probably not checking my blog anymore since it's been ages since I have posted anything but in the off chance that there are one or two of you still around I just want to say thanks for your patience! :) It has been an "interesting" few months and an even more "interesting" few weeks. This is why I thought it was time to get back to normalcy and to this blog (it also helps that I couldn't sleep)!


To be honest guys I have fallen pretty far since writing my last post back in May... I had forgotten why I started to write this blog to begin with. I was am letting the small (and sometimes big, but not impossible) things get to me. I was am letting issues with school, grades, relationships, my past, the future, placements, recreational activities and just plain old BS get to me and overwhelm me. It's stupid, there is nothing good that can come from that! I think we all do it though or at least I would like to think I am not the only one who worries about stupid, useless, crap that won't matter in 5 years at 2 in the morning! But when you think about it what is worrying going to solve? All you are going to do is just make yourself sick both physically and emotionally! So all that being said I think it is time to get back to gratitude and being grateful for the small but oh so important things in life!    


I am grateful for those of you who have stuck by me the last few months/weeks. Some of you have been there for me to call/text/skype at literally any hour of the night. Thank you for your reassurance  that it was ok and that I wasn't being a burden or a bother (even when I was). Thank you for those who have been there to make sure I get the help I need when I can't/won't see that I need it. As much as I may or may not have liked it please know I do appreciate the concern. But most of all thank you to everyone who never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. I am so blessed to have wonderful people like you in my life and please know if anyone of you ever needs anything you can always call/text/skype me. <333


What are you grateful for????

May 23 2013

Hey!

   So I think I am going to keep this post short and sweet. To be honest this post might be kind of hard for me to write since I have been having a lot of issues lately. It seems as though my anxiety and depression issues have been getting worse or at the very least not any better. I have made some recent changes though to my medication and while it is still to early to tell if this dosage will work I am hoping it will. I am still hoping that I will one day be off the medication (since I HATE medication) and I truly hope that day is soon but for right now I think I need them.

   Since I have been having a rough time I haven't really left my room/house in a bit. In away this is a blessing because it has given me plenty of time to think about what I am grateful for. For starters I have caught up on my sleep since that is all I seem to be able to do the last few days (even though my medication makes me feel as though I haven't at times since I am still getting use to it and tiredness is a side effect). I have also had plenty of time to do homework. My goal for the summer is to have all 3 of my summer courses done by the end of June minus the exams so that I can enjoy some of my summer. I have also had a chance to re-organize my bedroom which was a nice distraction.

I think one of the things I am most grateful for though is being on Facebook more....now hear me out!!! If I hadn't been on my computer a little (ok a lot more) than usual the last few days/weeks I may have missed this wonderful video clip. If you are on Facebook I am sure you have seen it or at least heard about it. But if you haven't I'll post a link here. (Spoiler Alert: Watch the clip before reading on!) http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-just-died-what-he-left-behind-is-wondtacular-rip

While Zach's story is incredibly sad it shows that no matter how bleak things look don't give up. It also tells us that we shouldn't take our life for granted because it can be taken away from us in a split second. We should take each day that we are given and use every second of it to the best of our abilities. I am truly grateful for stumbling on this clip and I am going to try and remember this lesson from Zach and emulate it in my own life.

Anyways, sorry for the kind of blah post guys I hopefully will have some more interesting ones in the near future!

What are you grateful for???  

May 16th.... so much for this everyday thing eh!

Hey guys!

Sorry I haven't written on here for awhile! Things were quite busy there for awhile with exams, moving out and just other things. I never realized how hard it was going to be to write something every day. I don't mean that it is hard to write something to be thankful about because that is the easy part. I just mean finding the time! After I had missed a few days I started to make a list of all the things I was thankful for on daily basis in hopes of catching up in a future blog but after awhile I realized that, that blog entry was going to end up being way to long and that nobody was probably going to read it so I scrapped it. However, I will add a few of the items that I am thankful for onto the end of this post. :)

Firstly, I am thankful for finishing my semester and doing relatively well in my courses even though I dropped one. I know that seems like kind of a weak thing to be thankful for but trust me, i'm thankful! This semester/year wasn't one of my most stellar semesters with just a lot of other things interfering with my concentration on school. To say I am glad it is done is an understatement.

Secondly, I am thankful for those people who were understanding and were always there for me to lean on when I felt like I was going crazy or having a meltdown. For those that know me know that I can tend to be a "perfectionist" and "people pleaser."I don't like to have people disappointed in me (who does?!) so I was worried that because of my past choices and where I was now that I was letting everyone down. I was thankful to find out though that, that wasn't the case at all. Even though I still carry a lot of guilt from my past I know that others don't see it that way and that maybe things aren't as bad as they seem at times.

Thirdly, I am thankful that someone in my family is going to be fine. A few days ago someone in my family had a health scare that I think had all of us on edge. However, it ended up not being a huge deal and she is suppose to be back to her old self in no time! I am so thankful that my dad was there to help and that everyone dropped everything to help her. I am also thankful that she has a place to go to after her stay at the hospital.

Finally, I am thankful for LU and for everyone there! This year even though had it's up and downs was still pretty great! I met some new friends to go out for coffee with, send funny youtube clips to and who I can go to concerts with! Even though I am THRILLED it's summer I am excited for the future there and for all the other adventures I will have in the years to come.

                                                   My view from my apartment at LU

What are you thankful for???

Wednesday March 20th

Good Mornin'!!

So... considering it is 5:30 am and I haven't gone to bed yet there isn't going to be some creatively ironic title to this post (not that there really was before!) Just the simple date which happens to not actually be the date of when I am writing this post since it is so late/early morning! Who knows I may start just putting the date as the title to keep everything all "chronologically in order" even though I think that happens automatically on here...

Anyways, today was actually a really awesome day! It wasn't that I did anything super exciting like go see the Big Nickel (some Sudbury humour for y'all) or go skating but it was just that I got a lot of little things done. Things that I had been putting off for ages. For those of you who know me personally know I am a professional procrastinator so actually finishing something early is like a HUGE dealio for me! It's not that I don't want to do things early it is just that I have to make sure the laundry is done, my desk is clean, the floor is swept, i've texted those people, seen that new youtube video of adults acting out conversations that kids have (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0QBTqsPmLQ) and finally checked my Facebook and email for the 100th time. If you still need proof that I am a professional procrastinator just ask my mama, she will confirm it! ;)

I also, got to see a friend today (through pictures since I couldn't be there in person) conquer the fear of mind over matter. She participated in a fire walk in honour of her mother in law who passed away from a brain tumour. For those of you who don't know what a fire walk is it is when a person walks over burning coals BARE FOOT. I'm not sure how it works and how you don't burn your foot off but apparently you end up being ok after with all 10 toes still intact! Regardless, I can't imagine how nerve racking that must be for someone so I am extremely proud of her for going through with it! I know I would have gone running the other way and I can't even feel hot and cold on my feet! The fact that she raised money for a wonderful charity and then did this crazy but amazing thing says a lot about the person she is! Kudos girly!!!

What are you thankful for??? 

  

Whoa! Thank you so much!

 Hey guys!!

First, off I want to thank you all for your kind and encouraging words! I think I was able to respond to everyone who messaged me but if I missed anyone please know that I am so thankful for your encouraging words! Also, I apologize for the earlier issues with the comments section...that was completely user error on my part! I am completely new (not to mention technologically challenged!) to all of this and haven't a clue as to what I am doing... if that wasn't already apparent! It is fixed now though so please comment away about anything or tell me what you are thankful for in your own life below!

When I first mentioned that I was doing this blog I wasn't sure if anyone would read it or if people would think it's lame but I just looked at the "stats" link on blogger and 325 people have read my first blog! That's insane, look out Oprah! I am so thankful you all have embraced this and I hope this has encouraged you to maybe re-avaluate your own lives and to look at what you really appreciate in life!

So today I am again thankful for all of you reading this. I am also thankful for those friends who have dealt with my craziness the past couple of months. I know there have been a few times where I have texted some of you in need of a Starbucks break and you have been so kind to drop everything and hangout or just come over when I am having "one of those days"! I am also thankful for finishing my last paper EVER in one of my classes today. Even though I still have more assignments to write for other classes it is a good feeling knowing that I can cross another "to do" thing off of the list!

What are you thankful for???

Beauty in Everything

Hey Y'all! 

So if you have stumbled onto this page it was probably because of my other blog "Sweet Insomnia". I created that blog a few years back one night while you guessed it... I had insomnia! However, that is all I did, I created it. I had a blast choosing the background and I swore I would write in it daily. It would be my little piece of the Internet just for me. That obviously didn't happen though! I do want to start writing in it but I thought I could create sort of a mini blog to go along side it to just get me back into the "writers groove" again sort of speak! I have always loved words and have always been fascinated with the use of them and how they can mean so much and have so much power BUT I think as I grew up I began to also resent them. 

After writing paper after paper of non creative "gibberish" to be marked and graded by a professor I began to write less and less. Writing which at one point had been my outlet for so many years seemed to now be a chore and something I had to do just for a mark on a paper. I began to be that person who would increase the punctuation in a sentence to a size 13 or 14 font in hopes that the line would get carried down to the next line and i wouldn't have to write as much. No seriously, I did that once thanks to a helpful tip from my roomie when I complained to her that I still had a quarter of a page to write and nothing to say in a paper. *Take note university students!* I think I saw writing as rules and styles versus the creativity that it could be. That being said this blog is going to be raw and if I am being completely honest pretty unedited. I will probably  have comma splices and incorrect punctuation so grammar Nazis beware! Who knows I may have posts that are all one sentence or very few sentences! Just like some other famous authors (Ernest Hemingway, anyone?!) But let's be serious that's really annoying and kind of hard to read so probably not! My point is that this is just going to be a fun little blog where I can write what I want and you guys the readers (if I have any) can respond with whatever you want...no judgements what so ever!

Now... on to the point of this blog shall we? Recently, I have been going through a rough time with depression and anxiety.**spoiler alert for those friends I hadn't told** I have good days and bad days like everyone does but I seem to have forgotten the little important things in life. To be thankful for the fact that I live in a country as great as Canada where I am blessed to have freedom of speech. That I have AMAZING friends and family who love me for me even though I'm full of crazy and probably drive them up the wall at times! That i make more than two dollars a day at a job which automatically makes me richer than 92% of the world.(http://globalrichlist.com/) Or that as a girl with a "physical disability" (I hate saying that FYI) I have the opportunity to even attend school (post secondary at that!). While some girls in other parts of the world are not allowed to regardless of being "disabled" or not. 

All this being said each day I am going to write a little bit about my day and what I am thankful for. When I was in the hospital last year there was a lady there who wrote a page a day in her diary. She had been doing this for about 40 years (that's a lot of notebooks yo!). I thought the idea of having your whole life essentially on paper was pretty cool and I would start doing that...tomorrow. Well ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is today (well in this case today is yesterday considering it is 6:35 am on Tuesday and I am writing as if it is Monday evening...sorry I had a non-creative-for-marks-paper to write first!) 

As you guys read this blog I encourage you guys to do the same. No you don't have to create a blog and write in fancy lettering and what not...although it can be fun! I would encourage you to think about what you are thankful for because no matter what your situation is right now there is always someone who is worse off than you and if you just open your eyes you will find beauty in the most unpredictable places! 

So I will start off.... I am thankful for you- my friends, family and strangers who just happened to find this blog. Each and everyone one of you has a purpose in this world and without you the world wouldn't be the same!

So I ask...what are you thankful for???


“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart”- Helen Keller