So it's been almost a year (again) since I last wrote anything. I wish I could say that I was away the last year having great developments in my life, that I had come to some wonderful life altering conclusions, that completely changed my frame of mind on life but unfortunately that's not the case.
While it is true I have done a lot of personal growing this past year I am still no where near where I want to be as a person. Most days it feels like I am treading up stream, going nowhere. It's hard to stay happy, let alone alive when it feels like you have no purpose or future. I use to think that was the depression talking but now I think it's just me. I don't think there is a difference anymore between Depression and Kierra, we're both cut from the same cloth. It's frustrating hearing how mental illness is highly treatable when nothing seems to work anymore. I can't think of a single thing I haven't tried to get better. I do still believe mental illness is 100% treatable. I've seen it treated in others but for some reason I can't get mine under control. I use to think I would die of old age but I truly think these feelings will be what kills me. Now, don't get worried, I'm not done trying just yet. I'm just a little more tired than I was yesterday in fighting this thing.
Last week, was a really bad week for me and I have no idea what caused it. It makes me scared to go to bed at night now because I never know what tomorrow is going to bring. I was completely "fine" the one day and the next morning I could not get out of bed and was not able to get out of bed for a week. I haven't been that bad in years, not to that extent. And in the past there was always a reason, I wasn't looking after myself, I was stressed, personal/relationship problems or whatever. But last week, nothing, nothing caused it. I just couldn't do life. It scared me. It still scares me, especially since I am moving back North soon where I will be alone. I don't like to be alone when I get like that. You already feel alone during these times, you don't need to physically be alone too. I really don't know how I am going to get through it if it happens when i'm away. But i'm trying not to think about that right now (although i'm not doing a good job of it). Right now, I need to stay in the present and not worry about the future or the past. It's easier said than done though.
Anyways, getting back to the original purpose of this blog...I'm thankful for my dog Quincy. Anyone who's met Q knows how hyper and rambunctious he can be but he can also be the sweetest cuddliest guy. There's many times where I have just needed to lie on the floor with him and pet him to calm my anxiety or too just feel "present" because of depression and he just lets me. He's the greatest dog ever (I know every dog owner says that) but he's really helped me on this long road of recovery. It's great to be "needed" by someone and it gives you a purpose for being here so tonight I'm thankful for my Quincy.
