Wow....so I haven't written in 2+ years....yikes sorry guys! And when I say "guys" I mean the odd one or two of you that might stumble upon this again in the future. I'm still undecided whether I am going to post this on Facebook or not yet. I'm fairly certain that nobody checks this blog anymore..I mean if the "author" of the blog doesn't even check it why would anyone else?!
Anyways, I'm not sure if this is me coming back to the blog or not. I would like to think I will write in it more but who knows. I thought I would write in it more in the first place to be honest but writing kind of lost it's appeal to me the last little while. I hate that I don't enjoy writing as much as I use to. It doesn't feel like me. It use to be "me" and how I expressed myself. Those of you who know me personally know I completely suck (putting it mildly) at talking about my feelings. Writing was my way of getting them out and it was something I enjoyed. I didn't completely bomb at it either which helped me to enjoy it.
Perhaps, I need to just "force myself" and "try harder" to do things more; to be "better". Maybe then I will enjoy it again, everything will be rainbows and unicorns again. No more of these "feelings". If I could just be "better" everything would be "perfect". But then again isn't that the Depression talking...."you aren't trying hard enough," "you don't want to get better because if you did you would be by now" "you aren't good enough". I guess i'm still trying to sort out the lies and fuzzies from the truths in my messed up brain...
I guess I owe you guys an explanation/update on why I haven't written in so long. To be honest I don't have a good answer for you. The last two years have been a roller coaster of both really high highs and really low lows. I've learned a lot about who I am the last few years and even more about who my true friends are. Some of you who know me personally know about what i'm talking about and even fewer of you know the actual truth. One thing is for sure though i've grown as a person/daughter/friend even if certain people in my life can't see it. I know I have changed and I know i'm making progress. I guess that is what matters most. I have learned that I need to stop having expectations in where I want to be in life (deadline wise) and just to try and enjoy the moment. I'm still struggling with this but I guess with time it will become easier.... I know I have made progress and knowing that and continuing to work towards (more) progress will help me to achieve my goals of where I want to be in life. It's not going to be overnight but eventually I will get there. Hell the progress I have made so far hasn't been overnight so why should this be any different...
