3 am Thoughts

I wrote this a few weeks ago at 3 am one morning when I couldn't sleep. I was never intending to publish it at first (especially here where this is suppose to be a positive environment) but I thought that if I was feeling this way then maybe others were too. My hope in sharing this is that if someone is feeling this way hopefully reading this will show them that they aren't alone. I promise I will get back to writing soon, I really do miss it and I think its good for me. <3

Here is me being vulnerable. I don’t do this often (scratch that ever). I’m really struggling. I’m really struggling with a lot of things. The world seems like a scary dark place these days. Anytime, you turn on the t.v. you’re bombarded with stories of death, corruption, and sadness. It feels like there isn’t any good left in the world. I know that can’t be true and that it is probably “depression” and “anxiety” masking reality but it feels that way. There has to be good in the world still, it can’t be as hopeless as it seems. I want to believe there is good, I really do, but it’s getting harder.

Everything is getting harder in fact. I’ve been trying to ignore it for so long. Wearing the mask of “invincibility” going about my day trying to be the best person I can be but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep hiding behind my mask. My mask has completely fallen off and my true colours are showing and I hate it. I hate that I’m being vulnerable and opening myself up to judgment. I don’t do well with people not approving of me. I’m a people pleaser by nature. Just writing this is kind of scaring the shit out of me for fear of what people will think.

The truth is I’m struggling. I’m struggling to function and to keep living. Small tasks are impossible to do now. I haven’t showered in almost 2 weeks and I haven’t eaten in 1. I know those are taboo to admit but I wouldn’t be my authentic self if I didn’t say them if not out loud but on paper (or in this case screen). I have a problem and I can’t solve it. I’ve tried and I can’t keep trying any longer. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do to become unstuck. I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m at a loss. Is it because I’m not trying hard enough that I feel this way? Is this punishment for something I did? Do I deserve to feel this way? Is it all in my head? Should I just give up? Would people be better off without me? Would they be happier? Am I just burdening people and in reality everyone hates me but they are too nice to tell me? These are all thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis and I wonder how much longer I can continue on this cycle before I truly go insane. I need a reason to keep going but I’m running out of them.

My body is tired both physically and mentally. It feels like I am running on a never ending treadmill and the lactic acid in my body is consuming me. It physically hurts. My heart hurts too it feels heavy and sad. Sad for the world and sad for what could have been. At the same time though, I feel empty, stagnant in life. I’m not where I want to be and I know it. I probably will never get to where I want to be thanks to that never ending treadmill and my lack of willpower but I am going to keep trying for as long as I possibly can.

One thing is for sure though, I can’t continue this cycle of self-hate, self-abuse and ultimately self-sabotage. It feels so comfortable to be in that cycle but I can’t continue. To be able to physically hurt myself frequently so that I can feel like I have paid my dues for my mistakes. To look for love in all of the wrong places so I can feel valued. To not take care of my body by withholding nutrients for it just because of a "feeling"I am having in that moment. It’s not healthy and I know it but i’m lost and don’t know how to get off this never ending treadmill.  

To end on a positive note I want to share what I am grateful for today which is what this blog was initially intended for.

Today I am thankful for a friend who knew today was a rough day without me even having to say anything to her. Knowing today was a bit harder she offered to postpone our plans so that I would be able to enjoy it more later in the week when I was feeling better. I am so thankful for her understanding, her flexibility and her compassion. <3